It is so difficult to write. Sometimes, my words don’t match the intensity of my feelings, and sometimes my feelings change while I append the words to a perfect sentence.

I wish, I really wish that I could write everything down, and just forget. Forget everything that ever occurred, every hope that had once risen, every tear that had fallen… myself, who is now forgotten. I wish … I could do it.

Erasing self out of our self written stories is a tough job.

The end was planned, the end was happy … there were gleaming smiles, heartfelt sorrows, words remain untouched and sentences didn’t have to be completed.

But, now the happiness ended. The gleaming smiles, turned to watery eyes….the words are even today untouched … our sentences could not be completed and sorrow is severely heartfelt.

God! it is a rough game and if you lose, you lose it all. I feel the need of words now, but what would words do when the meaning is lost

Who will tell …

My steps in heaven’s hell
Darkness inside a bright shell
My face lights with eyes dim
I smile sorrowfully or my sorrow smiles
Who will tell?

Magic used to be there around
Every moment had a spell
The careless laughs and tears unfound
Is time the culprit or culprit just was in fleeeting time
Who will tell?

Every word hurts the same
And smiles take all the blame
how do you expect me to make you happy
while I am still crying…
Who will tell?

My steps in heaven’s hell
Darkness inside a bright shell
My face lights with eyes dim
I smile sorrowfully or my sorrow smiles
Who will tell?

©Khushboo Bhatia

What am I meant to be…



When will the paradise and earth meet,
till when should I seek,
I sometimes feel tired to be me,
When in me, myself I don’t see
What then do I want to be?

I laugh, I cry
I say, I shy
I call, I say bye
I give up, I try
I live, I die
For truth, I lie

When you bind me
I dream to be free
When I let you go
It’s just tears and me
To me, it still remains a mystery
What then do I want to be?

Sweetheart, I do cry,
it hurts me to say bye,
even I try,
I am not living,
but without you I’ll die
How can I tell you the truth,
when with myself I lie

When I meet god, he’ll see
for these answers I waited for earth n paradise to meet
it’s me whom I seek
I just wanna know..
What am I meant to be?

© Khushboo Bhatia

Since When …

 

Since when has thinking become so easy
but writing so difficult,
since when has writing become so easy
making erasing so tough,
since when has erasing become a play
but forgetting remains a task,
since when have tears become so easy to understand
and smiles lost it’s meaning
when did the meaning fade out
leaving obscurity gleaming…

When did the conditions become unconditional
changing the implementation of love,
when did love learn a language of words
betraying the eyes and touch,
when did the music become songs
leaving real melodies unheard ,
since when are answers being questioned
with replies so curt,
Since when is death being waited for
because of a life that hurts…

– Khushboo Bhatia

Viscious Circles..

 

I am a very simple girl who makes a lot of mistakes with respect to her emotions. I somehow, always end up getting attached with a person who can not handle these feelings. I consistently, make mistakes and when I cry, people without fail tell me that I am the one who is stupid and I get attached very soon.

But, I sometimes wonder, that what is the reason I make same kind of mistake with different face, again and again. After, analysing, I realised that first of all, my love for anyone is not a mistake and secondly, may be I just want someone to listen and understand. And in a freshly brewed relation, there is ample amount of listening and understanding and may be if the person who appears to be my ‘well-wisher’, stops repeating the ‘dos and don’t’ remark, and tries to listen to my wounded experience, then we both could break out of this viscious circle. I feel, listening is the best gift a person can give to both sad and happy person. Very early in life, a person realises theoretical Dos and Donts, but what could actually help a person is the feeling that someone cares, someone cares enough to listen, to understand, to just be there …The only way, one could be there for me in my knowledge is, when he/she stops displaying their knowledge when I want to be heard.

Another thing, which I feel needs to be handled differently, is the meaning that we have perceived of ‘Emotions and feelings’. I am not here to lecture at the philosophical front about the deepest meaning these words have, but the small observation I have made, states that emotions and feelings are being confused with money management these days. My well wishers, often say that do not invest your feelings on a person who does not return them equally or with some profit. But, feelings were supposed to be coming from within and naturally, how can I stop them for a person. And how exactly, do we calculate ? How can love fade away when the other person cannot return it … is there some kind of essential transaction which I am missing? I believe, love is the same feeling, be it for parents, sibling, partner, friend or in any unnamed relation. With components being the same, just the boundaries and expression differs. How can I just stop loving if the other person cannot love me ? How can I stop wishing happiness for a person, if that person is happy with someone else? What kind of love is this ?

I cannot do transactional love, and I have zero success record of this kind of love… I fear, of getting immune …

Starry Nights …


This would be the first time, when I am using my blog, just as a scratch pad, where I write down my weird feelings, incompletely. But I guess, it is not always that one can turn down his/her feelings with a game, or a serial, or just by sleeping. These escape routes just don’t let your feelings escape.

It might have happened with so many, that sitting on a bed, at night, one pictures all relationships he/she have ever been through and paint all those colors of sorrows and smiles, on a canvas with the brushes of memory. But, one just feels their forbidden thoughts at that moment. These feelings become loud, speechless emotions when you happen to realize even after so many colors and shapes, the canvas of life is blank and rougher. And, believe me; it’s brutal!

I never realized that when I traveled from being more ebullient to being more rebellious. I never acknowledged that I just want to prove and not experiment. I never realized when playing became competition and friends became competitors. I simply never realized, I just became what I thought I would never be.

But, I know these words, which I write now, would just embarrass me tomorrow, and I would laugh them off saying that it is just another oestrogen explosion. And maybe, these words would again find their meanings and visions, on some other night when I sit alone in my bedroom and memory plays hide-n-seek with me once again and, I lose again.