Gone are the days …

 

Gone are the days, when your eyes used to see me,
Gone are the days, when with you, I used to be me,
Gone are the days, when I was alive,
Gone are those days, and I am lefthere to just survive.

Gone are those days,
So I captured your eyes in my camera today,
There was no love in them,
But atleast the structure remained the same.

Sad, things couldn’t stay as they used to be…
Gone are the days, when your eyes used to see me …

– Khushboo Bhatia

Viscious Circles..

 

I am a very simple girl who makes a lot of mistakes with respect to her emotions. I somehow, always end up getting attached with a person who can not handle these feelings. I consistently, make mistakes and when I cry, people without fail tell me that I am the one who is stupid and I get attached very soon.

But, I sometimes wonder, that what is the reason I make same kind of mistake with different face, again and again. After, analysing, I realised that first of all, my love for anyone is not a mistake and secondly, may be I just want someone to listen and understand. And in a freshly brewed relation, there is ample amount of listening and understanding and may be if the person who appears to be my ‘well-wisher’, stops repeating the ‘dos and don’t’ remark, and tries to listen to my wounded experience, then we both could break out of this viscious circle. I feel, listening is the best gift a person can give to both sad and happy person. Very early in life, a person realises theoretical Dos and Donts, but what could actually help a person is the feeling that someone cares, someone cares enough to listen, to understand, to just be there …The only way, one could be there for me in my knowledge is, when he/she stops displaying their knowledge when I want to be heard.

Another thing, which I feel needs to be handled differently, is the meaning that we have perceived of ‘Emotions and feelings’. I am not here to lecture at the philosophical front about the deepest meaning these words have, but the small observation I have made, states that emotions and feelings are being confused with money management these days. My well wishers, often say that do not invest your feelings on a person who does not return them equally or with some profit. But, feelings were supposed to be coming from within and naturally, how can I stop them for a person. And how exactly, do we calculate ? How can love fade away when the other person cannot return it … is there some kind of essential transaction which I am missing? I believe, love is the same feeling, be it for parents, sibling, partner, friend or in any unnamed relation. With components being the same, just the boundaries and expression differs. How can I just stop loving if the other person cannot love me ? How can I stop wishing happiness for a person, if that person is happy with someone else? What kind of love is this ?

I cannot do transactional love, and I have zero success record of this kind of love… I fear, of getting immune …

Starry Nights …


This would be the first time, when I am using my blog, just as a scratch pad, where I write down my weird feelings, incompletely. But I guess, it is not always that one can turn down his/her feelings with a game, or a serial, or just by sleeping. These escape routes just don’t let your feelings escape.

It might have happened with so many, that sitting on a bed, at night, one pictures all relationships he/she have ever been through and paint all those colors of sorrows and smiles, on a canvas with the brushes of memory. But, one just feels their forbidden thoughts at that moment. These feelings become loud, speechless emotions when you happen to realize even after so many colors and shapes, the canvas of life is blank and rougher. And, believe me; it’s brutal!

I never realized that when I traveled from being more ebullient to being more rebellious. I never acknowledged that I just want to prove and not experiment. I never realized when playing became competition and friends became competitors. I simply never realized, I just became what I thought I would never be.

But, I know these words, which I write now, would just embarrass me tomorrow, and I would laugh them off saying that it is just another oestrogen explosion. And maybe, these words would again find their meanings and visions, on some other night when I sit alone in my bedroom and memory plays hide-n-seek with me once again and, I lose again.

Fading …

 

is it really true
that one day people will forgive you and wash off all the blame
will the sorrows flow away like raindrops in the river
or will dry on my window and dirty the frame?
do you really think, that things won’t be blue?

like breaths, is someone counting my smiles too
does he hold a melody for strife
and in other hand to cut me into two
a butcher knife for every smile
do you really think, that things aren’t blue?

when my tears exceed the smiles
and within me my happiness cries
i stretch my hand out for someone to hold
it makes me numb with the words so cold
do you think it is true, that the things are blue?

my tears have dried, he makes me numb
others say, to my injuries i shouldn’t succumb
but what if he cuts me till i stop crying
even for the smiles i stop trying
do you think it’s true,
that i am stuck in a vicious circle, where things are blue?

is it really true
that one day i will forgive you
will the tears flow away like raindrops in the river and restore the grace
and will the smile again rest upon my face?
do you really think, before i stop dreaming, dreams will come true
and things won’t again be blue?

– Khushboo Bhatia

The Music …

Nothing I believe is defined, nothing I believe if fixed… everything needs to move, everything needs to slide smoothly, so that the life’s melody is worth listening to.A musician cannot play a beautiful musical piece by limiting itself to the same chord, similar is with life! We all are the musicians with life as a vast instrument having infinite chords, a person who can take care of all the strings and can dance peacefully on different rhythms with a smile inside is known as the artist …

Violin

Music is what feelings sound like  ~Author Unknown

Fine Tuner

Music is the poetry of the air ~Richter

Violin

Music is an outburst of the soul ~Frederick Delius

Violin

When words leave off, music begins  ~Heinrich Heine

Violin

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music ~ Aldous Huxley

My violin is my secret diary, everyone can hear it out but can’t decipher my words!!

Hope…

Never found, yet not lost, I am me. Lost in words, I create a maze on paper which silently speaks a lot, breathing life in to my memories. Sometimes this maze leads me to my wonderland constructed by me over a strong foundation of hope.This hope is fragile, it is volatile, never tied or caged, it stays with me like the invisible air which is always around, sometimes I feel it’s presence, sometimes I don’t, yet I breathe it in and it breathes out life in me. I dread vaccum…